If you’re gonna strut, ya might as well strut with panache – REDUX!

With the non-success of the first in the series of Chris Goes to the Gym Makes a Fool of Himself Whilst on the Treadmill, here comes part deux with even more useless information you thought not possible for Asian eyes. Get ready to be mentally challenged by the literary workout that will leave you exasperated frightened to even step into a gym.

Horror stories from the locker room:

Regarding soft males in the gym

My Russian friend, who is about the height and build of a small giant (read: friggin’ tall!) has an uncanny and downright frightening ability to act like a guy acting like a girl. It is immensely hilarious and thoroughly disturbing because he is not the type that will burst into caricature or even put on a weird face, unlike yours truly. (Yours truly will now do impressions of Barney the Dinosaur if the commission is right and without any form of video recordings. I will sue!) His perfect imitation of soft males is something only the guys from Little Britain can do with more aplomb and it’s because they’re gay and he’s not. He is so not gay.

I hope.

Of grunts, stunts and ugly exercise trousers

I’m not one to knock on someone’s choice of attire but there comes a time when some choices should have been made by women and not men. Generalising is bad, I know, but the Middle Easterners are by far the worst once they step foot into the gym. I’ll be there, on a bench, trying to pump my two puny 30-pound dumbbells, and there they are moaning, groaning and exhaling louder than a killer whale breaching. Or farting underwater. Hmm. I kid you not. I know it’s good to practise mind over matter, but when the matter sounds like a bad porn movie involving actors the size of small elephant seals and are about half as attractive, I lose all sense of concentration completely and immediately. The biggest offender, Giant Grunter, has shoulders the width of a Humvee and wears the most comical exercise trousers I’ve ever seen. Would you like you it if I grunted into your face? I don’t think so, Mr. Funny Trousers. I’m not one to knock on someone’s choice of attire but there comes a time when some choices should be left to the women and not men. Tight pink tees don’t make you look cool; they make you look a sissy. Unless, of course, you wield a 50-pound dumbbell.

I’ve always maintained that people who go the gym are vain buggers, or at the very least, cognisant of their wellbeing. Why would someone want to jog on a treadmill for half an hour and not expect something in return, like, a nicer butt? Or why would someone want to lift heavy weights that will ultimately prove useless when it comes to intelligence quizzes?

I don’t know about you, but I like my cute butt the way it is. I wonder where I left my pink shorts…

This is Chris, signing off.

PS: Don’t you just hate it when politicians bicker and make us the victims?