I’d rather be called a human. That’ll save a lot of time.

Back in the day when you saw someone with fair, slightly pasty skin, sloe-eyed and are more often than not wearing a pair of spectacles the size of small windshields, then you can safely bet that that this person is a Chinese.

Not anymore.

Of course, a fair, slightly pasty skinned, sloe-eyed, glasses-wearing person is normally associated with a Chinese here in Malaysia, now there are varieties within the Chinese people:

Whiter Chinese, Normal Chinese and Oh My’s.

Whiter Chinese are those brought up in a predominant English environment. The Whiter Chinese are the minority by virtue of them being, well, minor. They are characterised by:

• English is their main medium of communication and swearing. Case in point: the person writing this.
• Are slightly hoity, but it’s not really their fault. They just speak better English, that’s all. With strange inflictions to boot.
• (Ab)Uses the Internet with the females being habitual (ab)users of LOL and xoxo.
• Eschews ersatz: Only iPods, IKEA, J.Co Donuts and Nautica for them.
• TV shows watched are normally the hits @ smarter than your average Chinese drama: CSI, House, Heroes, Gossip Girl, etc. Asian productions that are normally watched are that of the Jackie Chan or Jet Li variety. Basically if it has flying lovers and stunning cinematography, they’ll probably watch it.
• Choice of music generally falls into three categories:

1. Hip-hop or rap such as Rihanna, Chris Brown, Fergie, Nelly et al. If it has singing in the first minute, a little rap interlude in the middle and then singing again, chances are they’ll dig it.
2. Contemporary pop in the form of Girls Playing Instruments (GiPi), i.e. Marie Digby and some other unpronounceable chick who keeps telling journalists that they’re just normal girls but with dorkier foibles.
3. College rock like One Republic, Coldplay, etc or bands with little talent either than making girls swoon because their lyrics are indecipherable because they wrote it during a time of utter lugubriousness.

• Inclination to make fun of the other two groups, especially when a chance encounter occurs, like, for instance, when ordering chicken rice.

The second group, Normal Chinese, make up more than half of the overall Chinese community. This group considers themselves as “mainstream” and “current”. They may think that wearing sweaters is cool in our Hot as Hell™ climate but they more than make up for their hideous stylings by being cutthroat in business and sales which ultimately results in the country’s development. You have an herbal drink that may reverse the effects of orange peel in old women? This group would marry you.

The Normal Chinese are as follows:

• Are able to converse in Cantonese or Mandarin but aren’t able to read Chinese characters except for Expensive, Cheap, and Police. Their English is all right but are troubled by plurals. For example: I don’t wants garlics or onion in my fried rices. No’s the prawns alsos.
• By and large are quiet (when it comes work, either than that, are actually pretty boisterous buggers), modest (yeah, right!), and eager (much like a hunter looking for an easy kill) but are actually Machiavellian, vindictive and conniving. And that’s just the children.
• Worships Asian artistes that blend Eastern and Western sounds. Which sounds like shit. As long as there is a piano interlude, a few orchestral bits here and there and a soppy (often tuneless) vocal, it’ll be a hit with the girls. Music video or MTV (more info below) must be shot in the rain and feature tragic facial expressions.
• Drives a Japanese car because they think it gives them more élan. Their great-grandparents would be proud.
  
• Patrons food establishments with the word ‘café’ in it that is endorsed by a complete unknown but is oddly edified by a small group of Chinese girls.
• Has Astro (the local cable TV provider) hardwired to the 8888 (lucky number, mah) Chinese channels.
• Calls a music video an MTV. (Ed: I have no friggin' idea why.)
• The females would have a food blog that has them eating at more places I never knew existed.
• Probably has a dog the size of a cat for a pet.

Oh My’s or Cina (the word is derived from the Malay word Cina which means Chinese and is pronounced “chee-na”. It’s best pronounced if you have a friend from the first group) make up the last bunch. They usually come from the other states of Malaysia where access to fake fakes is rampant. Burberry? Look again, it’s Burpbelly.

One can spot an Oh My easily with these eccentricities:

• Speaks most of the Chinese dialects, has trouble pronouncing most English words (har har, I’m one to talk since I'm completely rubbish at any dialect) and are absolutely abysmal when conversing in Malay. They are surprisingly more proficient in Tamil.
• Will adopt an English or Christian name (WTF?) but is unable to pronounce it correctly. They’ll even bastardise the spelling to make it more sensational but it ends up sounding like a disease.
• Their voice has the same decibels of a small lorry going fast. And that’s just the old women. With no teeth.
• Is inclined to listen to fast and migraine-inducing dance music. Imagine techno, only 8888 times faster. Are also big fans of soppy, tragic ballads.
• Has the propensity to dress like their idols and have their hair coloured in every shade of the rainbow except the original.
• Drives a car that can fit their entire clan plus two maids or a heavily modified national car with an exhaust pipe the size of a storm drain.
• Knows all the names of the pig parts just by smelling it.
• Goes to school or work with a bottle of water. A bottle of water the size of a small water tank!
• Probably has a dog the size of a bear for a pet. And that’s just the puppies.

This isn’t a diatribe nor is it a personal attack on the Chinese. In fact, it’s merely a cheeky look into a people long thought of as just computer nerds, kung fu exponents, noodle-loving, accountants. The Chinese folk shouldn't be worried with what I've said since most of it is the truth, albeit in a completely exaggerated prose. It is not my intention to step on toes or make people want to call their local gangsters to come after me with sticks and sharp knives. To those who feel offended, don’t be.

I’m not. Tee hee!

This is Chris, signing off.

PS: Alas, I wish that I can claim full rights to this article, but the truth is that this is a reinterpretation of another’s work. I’ve paraphrased many of the words, naturally, in order to avoid accusation of plagiarism but the source is greatly acknowledged. To the author, I had a blast reading yours and I also had a bigger blast coming up with my own version.

That didn’t sound right…