I am not good. Or so my 5 vices tell me.

This post is a meme that was bequeathed to me by a dear friend who shall remain anonymous to my regular readers but will always be remembered fondly as the most exuberant person (trapped) on a tiny island that has the worst Hokkien Mee EVER.

Here they are, in no particular order except by overall badness:

• Diffidence and flatulence are a deadly combination

I am my own worse enemy. If you don’t talk to me, I won’t talk to you. If you don’t smile at me, I’ll deny your existence. Simple, no? Does that make me an arrogant git? I hope not.

• I worry too much it should be illegal. I think it is a crime in Mongolia.

I have this habit of wanting to do things right the first time. Like, for instance, brushing your teeth. No one in their right mind wants to brush their molars twice in a space of 3 minutes, yes? I’d bite my nails (well, lick them since I don’t want ugly fingers), pull my hair (none to begin with), shout some incoherent ramble before I realise that I didn’t have to worry at all. Shit. I will excogitate (excellent word!) over and over again until my brain hurts so badly that when the splendid rays of wake up, foo! hits me, I would’ve wallowed in a swamp of self-loathing so deep, I would be now one with the Swamp Thing.

• I can be quite mean. Meaner than you would imagine.

Under the guise of a dim-witted yet rather strapping young lad, hides a guy with a sinister streak. Yes, I have the predilection to be rather nasty—sometimes bordering on the uncouth. I, for the most part, do it to illicit giggles. I do know when to draw the line. It’ll be a bit off tangent sometimes, but I do try my best to keep it as straight as possible. I’ve always been nippy when it comes to unleashing witty retorts. Have I gotten into trouble for being a potty mouth? I don’t remember getting walloped by a mob so the answer is no. I really hope not. I just combed my hair. Wait, I don’t have any. Drats.

• Thanks to the Big Dude, I’m Pedantic and not Panicky.

Situation: Sticking my head into a hole which is so obviously not meant for me. This is something I have to work on. Really work on. Composing emails is one of many, many foibles. A simple one sometimes would suffice, but not for me. Oh no sirree. My emails are like friggin’ dossiers for sanity’s sake! Subscribing to pedantry has led me to some pretty awkward moments not withstanding the fact that it also has gotten me into trouble. Need I elaborate? Not this time!

• Vindication against those who have wronged me. Yes, I’m talking about you, you old fat bat of a woman.

I think this vice is a ‘nuff said one. All right. Maybe a short description will do. Scene: crowded bus stop. A sea of stinky, mostly fat women are sitting on impossibly comfortable “seats,” waiting for the bus to arrive. Me: standing upright whilst trying to look cooler than cool but failing miserably because my fly is down. Bus arrives, stinky fat women rush. In the process, they try to push me. I’m a head taller and built like a (small) bull. Bus door opens and BAM! I push them stinky fat women aside.

And a bonus one, which is not so much a vice but more of a transgression, if I may say so:

• Intolerance towards blatant rudeness and its ilk

If you’re going to use the F-word or any other profanity, make absolutely sure you mean it. Don’t just say it just because it’ll make you cooler. I’m no stranger to being profane but to do it in the office? C’mon, let civility reign for 7 and a half hours then you can cuss all you want.

To be absolutely frank, this was difficult. It really took me awhile to come up with this post. Not because I think I’m angel (I am, ask my grandmother) but trying to find something bad about yourself is like trying to get a politician to say sorry.

I hope I don’t end up as a politician. Have a great weekend, people!

This is Chris, signing off.

PS: This post is open to any one if they have the guts to write about their vices.