Silence of the Clams*

* = I know, bad, bad title.

You know the saying, “Silence is golden?” It’s a farce. More often than not, silence can be the most uncomfortable thing in the world. Take for example, these situations:

Lavatory (I love saying this word, it makes me sound posh and rather lumberjack-ish, all at the same time.)

Guys pee side-by-side. We all know that. But what happens when you have to pee next to your boss who’s urinal is only a mere centimetres away? I remember during my days of sitting in a room the size of a—ironically—toilet cubicle, I made it compulsory to get up once every half-hour or so and wash my face with cold water in an effort to stay awake. (Mostly I did it to get away from the annoying colleague of mine who was terribly dreadful to work with.) One day, after clearing a batch of the day’s workload, I went off to the loo for my customary face-drenching, some pushups to keep the bones all fresh, discharging of the wastes, when in comes my big boss, and I mean, the big boss with his suit and tie and thick blazer, discharging his own wastes. Me and him. Him and me, peeing. At the same time. Side by side. I turn my head slightly, his head does the same, and we exchange the briefest of nods and cracked the smallest smile ever known to humanity. It lasted no more than 30-seconds but, by golly, was it awkward as heck.

Elevators/Escalators

When there are a number of people on the escalator, it can make for some truly awkward moments. If the person in front of you is of considerable height, you may be staring straight at their lovely (most of the time, not lovely) derriere. Malaysian escalators are about as fast as making a tiramisu without the tira and misu. They’re agonisingly slow. So slow, in fact, that sometimes I forsake my vow of never climbing the steps just to get it over with quickly. And I particularly hate it when couples, especially the ones who looked like they only got together the day before hence the big silly grins on their faces start cuddling each other (their hands oddly straying down south from time to time), stroke each other’s hair as though it was some ritual to delouse themselves and not wanting to let each other’s hand go even when they’re about to disembark the escalator. And I’m just one rung down on the escalator, which gives me full coverage of all the sordidness. If you think that’s bad enough, then you haven’t experienced amorous displays in an elevator before.

Taxis

Taxi drivers can sometimes be the most entertaining people in the world. And they can also be the most annoying people in the world, too. I’ve had my fair share of drivers and their asking me one too many personal questions and why can’t I speak my mother tongue. But when you get into a taxi these days you’ll say the destination, swap head nods signalling yes, I’ll take you there. No chitchat. If the radio is on the driver will most likely leave it at a channel which sucks.

What about you? Are you just as whacko as I am or do you have no problems in the above areas?

This is Chris, signing off.

PS: I don’t know why, but I feel like eating clams.