Better to look smarter than you really are

I get this call at about 3 p.m. and my train of thought suddenly comes to an abrupt halt as I wonder who would call me. The number is unknown to me. It could be the human-resource manager calling me for a job interview. Whoopee! I answer the call, on the other side this girl says Hello and introduces herself. I caught neither her name nor where she was calling from. Disappointed but not wanting to sound like an ungrateful sod, I greet her back. She says this call is in regards of a survey she’s conducting. It’s about a certain drink. She then proceeds to rattle question after question regarding when was the last time I bought Red Bull, would I buy it in the future, do I like to travel, do I play sports and finally what’s my age. I answer her questions, some in my trademark sarcastic tone, and by the end of it she says that if my “answers” are satisfactory then her colleagues will call me back. All right, I said, Goodbye was her response and the call ends.

So what could be possibly wrong? For starters, what the hell did I just go through? Was it a genuine survey to see if I liked isotonic drinks or was it a scam to acquire my personal details for an insidious plot? The questions didn’t make much sense. To what end is all of this? I knew I smelled something fishy when she asked whether or not I liked clubbing. I just couldn’t determine what type of fish.

But I’m more angry…make that furious at myself. I may sound confident and sometimes brusque in my replies but in actuality I’m pretty much hopeless when it comes to talking to people on the phone. All the things that I know are wrong, I commit them. All the no-nos become do-dos. I can’t help it, I know what I am about to say is wrong and might incriminate me but my mouth is faster than my brain. I should have questioned her back, like where did she acquire my name and my number, the legitimacy of her company, is she still available and so on. We all know how people are getting conned into revealing their personal details and I think I’m smarter than these poor souls. But that call apparently proved that I am not as smart as I thought I was.

Sometimes all it takes is for someone to speak in a nice tone and you might be hooked before you can say “Punk’d!” The male mind is probably the easiest to manipulate. Humans are highly visual creatures and men are attracted to all things shiny and pretty like male insects to pheromones. You see roadshows of any kind and you’ll see girls in very short skirts and tight tops revealing a hint of cleavage is enough to make men drop their brains and act like cavemen. Let’s face it, sex appeal sells and together with male stupidity and gullibility makes for a very potent combination and one with remarkable results.

Maybe it’s because I’m an honest guy. I’m also the kind that wants to get this kind of thing over ASAP and I hardly stop to formulate my answers thoughtfully. Every single time this happens, I bang my head on the table very hard, call myself stupid and solemnly vow to never repeat the mistakes. Till the next time, I’ll be ready. I hope.

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: Never read H.P. Lovecraft at night.

Perhaps Love? Perhaps NOT!

What do 15 dismal and senseless men and 3 gorgeous women have in common? A new show on TV that is. The premise is simple enough: out of a thousand or so desperate males, 15 of the best that represent desperation in all its shameful glory “compete” with each other to win the hearts of 3 belles who could operate an airplane faster than the 15 can dish out an omelette.

Are the guys worthy? Are the girls worth it? Is this a game or is it something more? And who the hell wants to eat Cornetto ice-cream for a whole year? People are oh so gullible. They’ll do everything it takes to win. This is exploitation at its finest and the players have not a clue as to what they’ve gotten themselves into.

You may wonder, why am I so angry over a show? After all, I’m not related to any of the contestants. I didn’t audition for the part so I have no reason to be jealous. Two reasons, first is because I find the guys so boring, predictable, and abysmal in their wanting to look and sound so cool that they’re overlooking the fact that these 3 girls are smart, confident, level-headed, sassy and sexy that it pains me deeply to see them and their actions. Secondly, I’m angry because I knew I should’ve entered the show. Damn. All right, seriously, reason number two is because I feel that love isn’t game. I don’t what’s gotten into me lately but I’ve become rather craggy when it comes to the game of love.

It was only last week when I saw my old college friends during convocation. It was great to see them after so long. We chatted, we hugged and asked are you working and how is your pay? Standard talk. When it came to a particular guy friend of mine, Copacabana, when Fill told me his girlfriend was quite pretty I said, “Okay, let’s go see.” After 10 seconds I realized, what the…? Girlfriend? Copacabana? Huh? Fill gave me a wry and pulled me into the hall. True enough, there he was with his pretty girl and after exchanging pleasantries we were off to stalk more girls. It was only last year that Copacabana and I were somehow “competing” for this girl, Lewinsky. We never did say it out loud but it was a tacit agreement, look at me and I’ll whack you if you get her. Sad to say, neither of us got her. Then not long after, Copacabana went after another girl, Yawnster, who was also pursued by none other than Fill.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 99% of the time I’m very glad that my money is all mine to spend, but when the 1% does happen, I do wish I had a special someone to share it with. Gosh, I sound like an emotional turd. It must be all the girly shows I’ve been watching. Someone please STOP ME!

Which brings me to my final questions, would have I entered? Would I even dare to show my face on TV, battle with 14 other shameless guys, put on a fake smile every time the camera is in front of me and eventually win the hearts of one the girls? Call me old-fashion, but I’ll find love the good ole way.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I feel like eating a Cornetto ice-cream.

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: To the boy who said “There’s not enough time la,” in regards to speed dating, you are one stupid fella.

The Chris Reviews

This year’s rock scene is pretty much boring. In terms of new bands that is. In its place however the world bore witness to the emergence of the Men Who Sound Like Women Only Much, Much Worse. Ever since Coldplay emerged with their “it is okay to sing like a lugubrious tit with highly depressing lyrics” together with their piano driven drivel, it seems that being a loser can make you an instant champion in the hearts of the similarly maudlin. Then came the likes of Jason Mraz, Daniel Powter, and Bo Bice who play sappy one-hit wonders and are now nowhere to be seen. But no-one comes close to the champion of the sad people, James Blunt. I swear if I hear You’re Beautiful again I’m going to bash my head with a guitar and use the strings to strangle myself. Which is why I decided to check out 3 of the best bands ever to walk this green Earth and their latest offerings.

Here is Chris’s Rockin’ Reviews:

Audioslave – Revelations

When I first heard that they’re going to release a new album I was like, didn’t the new come out already? Blimey, I was stuck in the past for this year is 2006! Forgetfulness aside, Audioslave delivers a much worthy follow up to their eponymous sophomore effort. The best way to describe this album is mature. The first two albums didn’t have the longevity or the staying power. I’ll listen to their albums day after day and in an instant I’ll put it down and never listen to it again. However this album doesn’t fall into that category. It’s certainly their strongest and most political to date. They’ve also turned up the funk on this, all the way to 11. At times it’s like 70’s funk but with much heavier rock riffs something the anathema entity that is Red Hot Chilli Peppers can’t seem to achieve (I blame the singer of theirs). The lyrics are scathing and the delivery just as harsh as they slam Bush for the war and the lack of help when Katrina struck New Orleans. Two word review: Highly recommended.

Iron Maiden – A Matter of Life and Death

I am not a Maiden fan. While these English blokes have influenced every single frickin’ metal and rock band there is, I never became a fan. I like most of their “hits” but I didn’t really consider getting their back catalogue. Their comeback album so to speak, Brave New World, churned out the crowd favourite, The Wicker Man. While the album was good at first, its initial delivery was quite boring. I got so bored with it I gave it away to my friend (you know who you are!). The follow up was Dance of Death. I didn’t even bother downloading it. So what made me even buy this? Aside from the fact that I had heard neither the single nor the other songs, it was the fact that it was priced low that I bought it. You can call it on a whim basically. So how does this album fare? In one word: Brilliant. I have to admit that it took repeated listens before I fully appreciated it. The guitars are as melodic as ever while the solos still blistering and Steve Harris’s basslines are still annoying. Bruce Dickinson still doesn’t know the meaning of mediocre and delivers yet another vocal masterpiece though they are parts where he sounds like he’s struggling. Three word review: Up the Irons!

Tool – 10,000 Days

This album is moody. One minute it is pensive the next it goes for the jugular. It has all the ingredients to drive anyone insane upon first listening to it. Tool is a band that doesn’t understand the word, easy. Instead you get an aural assault of the senses. Your brain can’t process anything else besides the music. The words drive into your skull like a lobotomy performed by a mad doctor. The only bad thing about this record is ironically the fact that it’s a Tool album. It’s that good. Some bands go through transitions. Some transcend. Tool is one of those rare bands. Critics may throw brickbats and try to say that Tool is merely “noise”, but I’ll show them the middle finger and walk off. Tool is by no means an easy band to get into but the rewards at the end makes it all worth while. One word review: Ohmylord.

And as a bonus:

Marc Antoine – Urban Gypsy

My Marc Antoine collection is now complete. I have all of his albums at last. 7 great works from a great guitarist. To me, the best description Antoine’s music was perfectly conveyed by famed saxophonist Chris Botti who said that Antoine’s music goes straight to the heart. He gets really technical only when the music requires it. I rarely listen to an album in its entire run. I tend to skip with most albums because I don’t want to get tired of it. But with Antoine albums I don’t have to do so. That’s the hallmark of an excellent musician. Few words review: Absolutely wonderful that even my sister likes him.

And there you have it. My 2 cents on this year’s rock and metal offerings. I know that it’s been a while since I’ve written something heavy and topical. I’ve a few partially written pieces but I just can’t seem to finish them. Is this some kind of blogger’s block? I for one hope it’s not extended any further. I do have fans to please! Till then, keep rockin’ people!

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: The Audioslave review is for my good friend Fill, Maiden is for my running sifu Eirza, Tool is for all you beautiful people and Antoine is for Irwin, who has helped me burn holes in my wallet.

The Day Chris Wore A Silly Hat

Boy did I have fun. Serious! 17^th September 2006 marked the day that finally I got to go up stage at a not-very-swanky hotel and receive my honours degree. And I had to wear robes that draped over me like an ominous shawl from the mediaeval days. What joyous fun.

It’s funny that I had left college for 9 months when memories of it are still swimming in my head as though it was only yesterday I kicked the CPU in class (it was an accident, I swear). Time passed by as I and my friends went about reminiscing the good and bad times, how intensely hot we were due to the silly heat trapping robes, and how working life sucks. Even when most of us hadn’t seen each other since college ended the camaraderie was as strong as ever.

So there you have it, after 9 months of waiting, cursing, registering and more cursing, my association with my former institution of higher learning (HAHAHA!) is now over. I am a proud holder of an honours degree of which I’m not that proud of. At the very least of it I feel that it enables me to knock on some employers’ door.

I honestly didn’t think I would have had a good time but I was proven wrong many times over. To all my friends, hopefully that wasn’t the last time we meet. Keep in touch everyone!

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: I look like a dork I know. But that was on purpose. I swear.

Supernova are Superstupid

Firstly I have to congratulate Magni for delivering outstanding performances every week. He was by far the most old-school of them all and it showed in his overall outlook. Toby, I love his original song and some of the renditions that he did. I just dislike his nasally voice and honestly, he wouldn’t have suited them anyway. Dilana was a disappointment and that’s all I can say.

Lukas is one of the most conceited human beings to ever wield a microphone. There’s no denying that the diminutive Canadian has talent to a certain degree (he has after all, hoodwinked Supernova and the people who voted for him. That’s talent) but his arrogance coupled with the fact that he has the eloquence of a child in need of a massive smack to the face just makes me pissed. I’m also sad because people are equating that attitude and having a certain look is what makes rock stars. Sad people you all are. Just look at all the women who clamour about stage, they have the look that they just want to get laid by Tommy Lee who by the way acted like he had difficulty in coming up with meaningful comments thus resorted to the old and tired phrase of “You’re so awesome”. Thank God it’s all over now. Gilby surprised me. I have never heard his name prior to this. Of course the mere mention of Guns & Roses only conjures two names, Slash and Axl Rose, so it’s not surprising that he isn’t as famous. I would have thought that him being more on the old-school wagon he would have dismissed the fag that is Lukas who is about as rock as Click Five. Clearly I was mistaken. Of all the contestants, Lukas is the only one who did not improve. He obstinately continued with his singing style even though you can hardly call it singing in the first place.

Lukas is in essence, an emo singer rather than a rocker. He has the look, the sound and the lyrics for it. Besides Kiss, makeup in rock is just plain silly. Eye-liner is not rock. Wearing sparkly clothes is not rock. Singing like a constipated person who badly needs a dump is not rock. Lukas IS NOT rock.

I believe it was Tommy Lee’s decision to have Lukas. If you recall back the earlier shows, he was on Lukas’s side right from the start. Only Newsted had proper ears. But I have to say that it was the “fans” that are to be blamed. It was their votes that kept him in the top most of the time when it was evident that he was nothing but a poser. Again, it was looks and the illusion that Lukas brought the rock that won him the gig. Goes to show what the state of rock is right now which is downright pathetic and saddening. To the people who voted for that scum, thank you all for being such witless “rockers”!

Clearly Supernova chose that shit for a simple reason: they think he might be able to push sales of their soon-to-be shitty album. I for one have lost respect for them. I’m even disappointed in Jason. He should have continued to jibe Lukas for singing like a frog with a throat infection. Maybe, just maybe, the outcome would have been different.

So cheers to them, they’re one less band to like now. Supernova’s gain is certainly their lost.

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: This diatribe was brought to you with liberal doses of reality and old-school rock.

Let’s watch some TV!

So there I was on my plastic yet comfy Ikea chair, wielding the remote control like a light sabre, changing channels like I was about to slash an imbecile into two when I stopped at the Discovery Channel. The topic: HOT ANIMAL SEX. Hoo yeah!

Seriously speaking, the idiot box is currently undergoing its biggest revolution and it’s called “Good Shows That Do Not Suck Like Seinfeld”. C’mon, I don’t get people and their fascination with the bland, whiny, and smarmy Jerry Seinfeld. The guy with the frizzy hair and incontinent-ish body movements is a hell lot funnier than him. The fat guy with the lowest self-esteem in the world is funnier than him while the woman with the frizzy hair is just forgettable. And guess what? Astro* is showing it till the end of the friggin’ year! Argh! Anyhow, this post isn’t a diatribe about some 90’s comedy, it’s about the shows that are currently shown on terrestrial television.

I present to you, Chris’s Favourite Non-Astro Shows.

First up, My Name is Earl. This show is so funny. It’s about this contemptible yet lovable buffoon Earl played to perfection by Jason Lee, who won the lottery but after a few minutes was hit by a car and loses the ticket. It was at this point in time that he saw an episode of Carson Daly’s talk show talking about karma. He then writes a whole list of bad things he’s done in the past and is going to correct all of them. Being a big believer in karma I fell in love with the show instantly. Its satire is so ludicrous that it makes sense. It’s so over the top that it stays grounded in reality. It’s like a morals class, what goes around comes around. And by the way, that Latina lady is so hot she made my nachos sizzle (That was very bad with a capital D).

Next up is Bones. My Friday nights used to be terrible. Shows were terrible and I didn’t really want to watch yet another repeat of World’s Most Amazing Videos. So when this show finally arrived on our shores, I was glad that my Fridays won’t be crappy anymore. I like Emily Deschanel. I like the way she delivers her lines, it is devoid of any emotion and is spoken entirely as matter of fact. Though I have to say that I prefer her sister’s (the girl from Elf, the only Will Ferrell movie I like) rather deliberate and eccentric way of acting (and unconventional looks too). I’m being picky so bah. The repartee between her and former evil turned sappy Barry Manilow lovin’ vampire is quite fun. I for one do not want to see them getting together. Remember when Niles got together with Daphne? Disastrous. Or when Mulder and Scully decided to do it after chasing their 53684184th alien? File that under BAD!

And last but certainly not least, Ghost Whisperer. Inane title aside, there are only 2 reasons why any sane, very straight guy would ever watch this show. Firstly, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ridiculous and bloody hideous hairstyle aside it’s still Jennifer Love Hewitt. Secondly, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s décolletage and they way in which she helps ghosts while wearing gravity defying, boob jiggling tops. If I was the husband, I’d have to administer CPR to myself whenever those jugs pass me by. The show however is hopeless and repetitious. Thank you to those for creating Medium, while not as sexy as the aforementioned Ghost Whisperer, it’s a lot darker and actually quite creepy. That Arquette lady has the same horrendous hairstyle as Hewitt though. Sigh, bad taste is contagious. (Ghost Whisperer has finished its run here in Malaysia. I can’t wait for the second season! Honest! Pigs do fly!)

So there you have it. Some of my favourite shows that most people won’t watch because they’re stuck watching yet another lame reality programme. Anyhow, I’m off to watch this little show called Arrested Development. Hopefully I’ll be able to do the chicken dance soon. Till then, happy couch potato-ing!

Chris is signing off. For now…

* = Astro is the country’s leading cable operator. They suck massive donkey balls.

PS: I prefer to watch a good TV show than go to a noisy club and party with people I don’t know.

Of revelations and apparent dorkiness

It was an evening of miscommunication and forgetfulness. It started off all right, my friend—let’s call him Tall Dude—said he could be there early. He wasn’t. When asked where the other friend is, Tall Dude lets loose a choked laugh so loud it was actually heard by a school of one-eyed fish off the Straits of Malacca. Other friend turned out to be in another shopping mall. Whee. Yet another friend, Noraa, is on his way so there was no reason whatsoever we could miss him. So Tall Dude SMSes other shopping mall friend, Rowan, that we’ll be in Coffee Bean. Unfortunately Tall Dude forgot to say which shopping mall. Another round of apologies and I’ll-pay-for-your-frap later, 5 guys (I came with a friend, Irwin) finally got together and had a chat. From our proposed meeting of 7.30 p.m. I checked my watch and saw that it was 8.30 p.m.

And if you women are still wondering whether or not us males gossip, I solemnly swear that yes, we do gossip. It’s just that we tend to call it “topics for conversations that might leave us shocked, surprised, disgusted, happy, angry or whatever”. So imagine the shock and disbelief on the faces of the 4 other guys when Noraa said that one of our old college buddies—let’s call him Fish Head—is actually a womaniser. Or to pimp it further, Playah. This is the same guy that collects life-size Transformers toys that have to be shipped back to Malaysia from Hong Kong because his suitcase couldn’t fit. But then again his suitcase was already filled with smaller Transformers toys to begin with. Oh, and he already has a girlfriend back in his hometown. They’ve been together for 2 years now if I remember correctly. Funny how time makes the balls hornier.

We then started to dissect the information. How could this still immature, imbecilic and not very handsome (like the 5 of us resembled Adonis) punk could end up getting more action than most guys. After a lengthy discussion where I snorted my drink twice in a row, and many curses later, we came to the conclusion that he is one Big-time Fucker. Not so much of the fact that he is able to pick up girls, but rather the fact that girls actually think he’s worth the effort. To further boil our innards he goes after the young ones, 18 to 19. These young and naïve girls are idolising him! This punk who got so drunk at my birthday party I had to drag his ass to the toilet otherwise he would have peed on the pavement with his pants on. I may not look like much but at least my dorkiness isn’t as apparent as Fish Head’s. Is this a case of “some guys have all the luck” or have girls around the world find immaturity and childishness a turn-on?

At one birthday party held on the same week, there were some interesting revelations. Again the subject of banging the hot chick came about. Of course I couldn’t relate to them so I just smiled and dropped a comment or two. Most of the guys there were talking about how horny some chicks were or that one chick actually thought that they were the Messiahs of Pleasurable Intercourse. And there I was thinking about which book I was going to read later when I get back. Life can be pretty funny at times.

I am a one woman kind of guy. I expect the same from my future partner. My loyalty towards her is the one thing I can safely guarantee (but then again, if Jessica Alba were to ask me to dump her I’d do it. Tee hee. ). Personally I think that it’s okay to flirt albeit mildly when you’re in a relationship. Heck I wouldn’t even mind if she hangs out with some of my guy friends. I just need to know who the bugger is and all other necessary details (but then again I might just go ballistic and murder my friend, I’ll let you guys know when that time comes). I’ve said once and I’ve said it a million times, a relationship is about trust, respect, communication and love. Without them it is merely to get into each other’s pants.

I may be too straight. I may even be considered a monk (minus the colourful prayer beads). You can call me old-fashioned and prudent but I’ll take that any time. I don’t mind. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to finish reading a very informative book. It’s entitled “How to Pick Up Girls Using Transformers”.

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: Fish Head, if you’re reading this, no offence dude. I still love you. But damnit, you’re one fucking asshole.

Donate lor

An old woman sleeps on the cold steel. People pass by her with pity on their faces but continue walking on. A man who has lost both his legs pleads to the passers-by for a small token. Children with smudged cheeks and frizzed hair ask you if you want to buy tissue paper. A barefoot monk comes up to you, silently, he holds up colourful beads and is hoping that you buy a few. You say no in the coldest voice you never knew you had and he walks away, sighing, hoping that the next person he asks won’t be as cruel as you were.

Those are some of the scenes you can see whenever you go out to the city. It is terribly saddening to see such things, especially for a tourist, because even though we are on our way to being a developed country, penury still exists despite efforts to put an end to it. It makes you wonder what happened to these people. Where was the love?

People with their expensive mobile phones and chic jeans just don’t give a damn. Women with their fake tans and eyebrows pull at their boyfriend’s sleeve because she saw a pretty dress that costs as much as feeding an entire village in some remote mountainous area in Pahang. Businessmen with their tailor-made suits from Italy and heavy metal briefcases are not worried that some poor old man with crutches isn’t going to eat his dinner tonight. They’re more worried that the stock market might plunge into more uncertainty or worse, chaos, thus costing them a chance to buy another Porsche they’ve been eyeing.

If we say we are a caring society then where’s the proof? A politician who helps the people by planting trees at a new housing area does not count as “helping out”, mind. It’s just a publicity stunt so that he can use the fame to buy another condo at some upmarket establishment. Funny, no?

This may come across as a bit heartless but I become cold and stern whenever I encounter mendicants. It’s not that I want to be callous but ever since there have been reports debating the authenticity of such people my donating hand rarely comes out now. I give them a look of sympathy, smile faintly, say sorry and walk away.

Every single day in the newspapers you read about people being abandoned; fathers abusing their children and wives, grandmothers and grandfathers fending for themselves because of their ungrateful children who have left them in the lurch. But do WE do anything? Once in a while you’ll read about someone donating a large of money or helping some of these poor souls find a new home. What have we become? Why are we not doing more? And why is it that politicians are still making empty promises and the consequences of their lies are being made to suffer by the people they “wanted to help”?

They say that donating even the smallest amount could mean a world of a difference. I can safely say that I’ve done my fair share of donating though I try to avoid doing so. I’m not proud saying it but at least I’m honest about it. But rest assured as I gain a foothold in this world, I’ll be there lending my hands, legs and brain to make things better. I promise (If I do renege on my words, you people have licence to shoot me in the butt).

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: To the girl who came up to me for donation and said “Don’t look at me like that la. You’re scaring me.” I sincerely apologize but I was eating an awfully made egg sandwich.

Aiyah, I know the ending already lor!

Damnit.

You queue for ages. You buy yourself some popcorn and a soft drink. You’re a bit early. You need to pee. You wash then dry yourself. People are jostling to get in to the somewhat lit hall. It’s rather packed. The chairs smell a little. The odour is familiar, in a bad way. You’re reminded of sweat that’s been left to dry in the blazing sun. When you sit, the chair creaks under your weight even though you know for a fact that you had shed some weight. The cup holder is broken. You sigh, hold your cup, and then check to see if you’ve silenced your mobile phone. It’s almost the maximum volume. You decide that for 2 hours, you don’t want to be disturbed and turn it off. After obligatory advertisements of tampons and various beer companies all extolling the virtues of drinking fermented wheat you now are staring at a giant chicken breast that’s piping hot from the oven. A sudden craving develops. Maybe you’ll get a quick bite later after the show. Then, the lights go down. Slowly, and gently, the hall darkens until the only thing you can see is the green sign with the word ‘KELUAR’. Finally, the show is about to begin. Darn, you knew that you should’ve ordered a large pack of popcorn. Oh well, on to the show.

Suddenly, as the reel starts to unravel the scene, you hear faintly but surely a sound. In the darkness, your ears pick up every single note then it stops. A voice suddenly utters, “HALLO! I in the cinema la! I watching movie ler. Aiya call you later la. Ah, BYE!”

Watching a movie in Malaysian theatres is like predicting the traffic on the Federal Highway. You never know what you’re going to get. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to watch the movie without hiccups or any disturbances. But we all know that’s some fairy tale just like how ‘efficient’ RapidKL is at off-peak hours. So let’s start by analyzing the kind of moviegoer one can expect to encounter (only) here in Malaysia:

• The ‘idiot who conveniently forgets to turn on silent mode and instead treats us to an annoying ring tone when the show starts to get really good’. What happen to common sense? Heck, what happened to having any sense in that stupid head? These people should be shot.
• The ‘idiot who keeps eating and eating and eating’. If you want to know why popcorn is named such, sit next to a dude who ordered a large pack of it.
• The ‘idiot who talks real loud during real quiet moments to explain the storyline in one of the local dialects’. I remember watching The Chronicles of Narnia when suddenly from the back I could hear an old woman explaining what had happened to her family. It was in Cantonese. It was loud. It was so loud that she drowned some parts of the dialogue to explain to her obviously not bright child what was going on. I wanted to rip her throat. But since I didn’t want to go prison and be called Ah Moi, I opted for the equally brutal option of “Shut up la!” It didn’t work.
• The ‘idiot who has some form of Alzheimer’s in his legs’. Stop the leg masturbation! I know that seeing a giant décolletage shot of Angelina Jolie is driving you insane but that doesn’t mean you can shake your legs to stifle the primal urges.
• The ‘couple who seem to be more interested in exploring each other rather than watching a good movie’. I know the two of you are in love and bla bla but could you keep the lovey lovey to a minimum? It’s okay to lean on your partner or cuddle each other, but for the sake of decency, stop doing more than that when I’m beside you two!

Watching a movie to me is something that doesn’t mean you’re watching it by yourself. What’s the point of watching a movie if you’re going to be asking questions every so often or worse, not give a damn about the other patrons who clearly understand the scenes that are unfolding right in front of your eyes? Why do you even bother watching when all you want to do is chat?

Some people are just plain idiots.

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: Stop munching popcorn with your mouth bloody wide open la!

Censorship: A necessary evil or the righteous path to uprightness?

Just the other day as I was walking in a crowded shopping mall, I saw a bunch of school children in a corner. They were no more than 13 years old and wearing ridiculously made-for-adults clothes. There was laughter and jokes and they looked as though they couldn’t even tell the difference between a goat and a lamb. They reminded me of my days when I was their age. I didn’t care about petrol prices, escalating prices of lattes at Starbucks nor did I know that The Da Vinci Code was actually fiction.

But then again, I don’t remember using the F-word, C-word, or P-word when describing my day at school. I was initially shocked but not really surprised to hear this pretty girl uttering so many foul words when talking to her friends. And she wasn’t even trying to hush it up a little, it was loud enough that its echoes actually travelled to another shopping mall.

It seems that it is fashionable or the ‘in thing’ to call one another “bitch” when you’re 11 and UPSR is only a year away. I was still using “Babi (Pig in Bahasa Melayu) and I thought I was as vulgar as can be.

So the big question is of course, how did they come to learn such words? The ‘who’ doesn’t really matter since you can still be taught to cuss and swear in a remote island of the coast of Johor (Singapore, naturally, denies this). I highly doubt that their English teacher has been teaching them inappropriate content during Grammar lessons, I can tell you that because I would have known.

I remember buying a Pantera CD which I was thoroughly enjoying it and I was just about to headbang when a bleep—which lasted less than a nanosecond—stopped me in my tracks. For crying out loud, there’s no way a Hilary Duff fan is going to listen to this and start learning words he or she doesn’t already know. Just listen to any rap album these days and you’d have to bleep the entire thing. Heck, rap CDs should be covered with a giant sticker that reads, “PARENTS, YOUR CHILD IS ABOUT TO LISTEN TO SOME REALLY INTERESTING STUFF HERE. (HEHE) HAVE A NICE DAY.”

Hypocrisy and double standards are lovely things.

It used to be the obvious that gets censored but even “Hell” and “Damnit” are considered to be insidious to the ears of our young and highly impressionable children. It’s so silly to think that by bleeping out the aforesaid words that our children will be spared by the “evil” of it. The minute they step out of the house and into the shopping mall chances are they’ll be rattling off cuss word after cuss word without so much as batting an eyelid.

And what about a peck on the cheek? That’s acceptable as long as there’s no tongue licking the side of the face. Hugging is all right only if they do it briefly. Any longer than 3 seconds is deemed inappropriate and is punishable by watching Sesame Street for the rest of your life. Showing affection to your loved ones is a bad, bad thing here apparently.

I really believe education is the key to the ultimate door of maturity. By keeping it under lock and key (pun intended), you’re merely halting the inevitable. For crying out loud, children as young as 8 know what MSN Messenger is all about and they chat about things I only knew when I was 14 (and I thought I was so cool back then). So maybe it’s time that WE grow up first before we tell our children to act like us.

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: “Don’t forget, naughty children will go to Hell. Hahahaha!”

You guys should use that line, it’ll make ANY kid polite and all. And of course, mortally afraid of you.

Oh well… NEXT!

All right people, settle down. Never believe the rumours. Yes, no matter how plausible it all may sound, they’re just rumours. I wasn’t abducted by aliens from the planet Oldskoolrock. Neither was I kidnapped by the reformed Malaysian Mafia led by Rempit Lord, Mat Motorakukenahentamolehseekorkucing. You could say I was detained for awhile. Not by the police. Not by any clandestine cult that wants to rid the world of rappers (damn I wish they existed). And certainly NOT by a rabid girl who’s been stalking me ever since this blog came out (L).

I was detained by me.

Hehehe. Okay okay, I apologize for the rather silly suspense driven drivel.

Honestly speaking, I’ve just resigned my position as Imaginative Provision Administrator*. (I’m paranoid. Sorry.)

Yes, after almost 2 months of going to work at 9-ish and coming back at about 9-ish, I’ve decided that the life of an imaginative person isn’t what I thought I could cut my teeth into. I did a few events; some big, some small but all not really hitting the mark of excellence I had set upon myself. Truth be told, I didn’t really expect big things. I went in, tried my luck, didn’t make much of an impact, realized it, they realized it, and out I went.

I had a blast and the knowledge gained certainly has made me wiser and more experienced. The only thing I want to do now is to actually attend events rather than trying to manage them. Some things should be left to the experts.

So as the last day of my work was slowly about to come, I became severely uncomfortable. Damn, now I wish I had done a better job, I thought. But a more realistic side of me said, LET’S GET OUT OF HERE!

I’m quite the emotional especially when it comes to ‘endings’. I don’t cry for macho’s sake but I do feel sad whenever I have to say “Goodbye” especially to the people who’ve been kind and extremely patient with me. I made mistakes and learned from them though I still committed the same ones due to the pressure.

Before I could officially leave, I had to sign a few papers saying I won’t do this yadda yadda, I won’t do that yadda yadda. Once that was done, I looked around the office one last time and walked out. As soon as I stepped out the door, I felt my whole body became lighter and that the air was somewhat fresher, more invigorating. It was literally catharsis. And I must say that I’ve had a blast. I feel like I’m ready for almost anything.

I’m currently jobless and loving every single second of it. But I know that all good things must come to an end. I’m in the midst of plotting my next move. It’ll be dastardly sinister. It’ll be something that will people talking about it for years to come. I just wish I knew what it was I’m going to do.

So until the next time, take care all you beautiful people (yes, YOU) and keep tuning in to this page, I’ll be back…

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: * = obviously this isn’t the real title but if you copy this blog post and paste it to Word, use the thesaurus function and from the list I’m sure can figure out the exact title. I have faith in you.

Drivin' Mr. Chris

Okay… here goes. (Takes a deep breath) I hate driving. I hate Malaysian drivers. I hate the road transport system. I hate traffic jams. I hate people who brake for no reason. I hate people who do not use their indicators. I hate people who think their steering wheel is a toy thus swerving it from right to left, to one lane to another because it’s fun to see me scream and swerving my own car from right to left, to one lane to another. But most of all, I HATE DRIVING!!! (Didn’t I mention that earlier?)

Phew…

All righty then. Looks like I’ve finally got that out of my system. I’ve refrained from making a blog post regarding the ever popular Malaysian folk story that is the Chronicles of Malaysian Driving: The Idiots, Idiots and Idiots. Every Mamat, Muthu, Mee, has given their 1 cent on the subject matter. Mostly it’s all a rehash of someone’s story. I’ve read articles from women who think men are idiots while the men think the women folk should not drive at all. Look, I could not care less if the driver is a Datuk or a woman in labour, bad driving IS bad driving.

Naturally my views at first on women drivers skewed towards as inferior to us males. But now it is not so. Both genders are now equal in overall terribleness.

But now it seems a new trend one has emerged, one that is so insidious in its implications that I fear it will become true in a few years’ time… men driving worse than women. It’s an alarming trend no doubt, one that blows louder than any air horn ever invented. I’ve seen men do things with their steering wheel that has left confounded and disappointed in the male species, even my mother drives than better them (and that is saying a FRIGGIN’ LOT).

I would rate myself as an “OK La” driver. I go fast occasionally (pffft). I cut lanes yes but I know when and where to do it. Some men nowadays just don’t know how to use the steering wheels now. Women drivers on the other hand, are the worst on the road yet the best when caught in a deadlock. I’ve never seen a woman use her steering wheel as a weapon of mass frustration. Old men in particular have an affinity to drift to other lanes of which most of the times happen to be the one I’m in. And what’s with the parking these days? I’m absolutely crap at parking but the angles some drivers leave their car just leave me perplexed.

I’m terrified of driving in the parking bay of shopping malls. Many a time I become disoriented and mightily pissed because some people think it is okie dokey to go 100 km/h. For goodness sake people, Hello! You’re in a bloody parking lot! What’s the rush of driving at breakneck speeds? And is it possible for the parking authorities to put up the NO ENTRY signs before I enter them by mistake?

We are blessed to have a road system that is one of the best in the world. The facilities are top notch and of world standard, we have the technology to keep it running optimally, the means to maintain the integrity and all but we tend to miss the turning because the sign post was blocked by a tree.

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: I’d KILL to even touch a Bugatti Veyron let alone drive one. Preferably on the Autobahn in Germany. OMFG.

22 Hours

All right, if I had stayed up just for another 2 hours it would have been the second time in my life I’ve been awake for 24 hours straight. It’s kind of funny to think that the human body can only handle so little abuse before it turns around and says “Asshole” to you.

So what made me stay up for 22 hours?

Firstly is of course, work. Got up at 7, yawned a bajillion times and rolled on bed till I generated enough heat to light up my house. Took a wonderfully refreshing bath, ate heart breakfast and I was off to work at 8.30. Work was slow and little and by 7.30 p.m. I was off. And if there’s one thing I hate more than having to drive through a jam in the morning is driving through a jam when I want to get back home. Argh! Got back, took a quick shower, ate some pizza and I thought I’d watch some Bones before I set on out again. But lo and behold, it was some other freaking show instead. Bugger! When I come back late on Fridays I still manage to watch about 30 minutes of the show but when I get back early it’s some other show! Argh!

9.45 p.m. came and I got a call from Fill saying he’ll be in Sri Hartamas (this place used to be so the bomb but now it has gone to the dogs, literally) in 20 minutes with Ray. I hurriedly packed my bag and headed off. And if you didn’t know this already, well, now you know; I don’t like to drive at night. Simple reason: I have crappy night vision. Maybe I should get my eyes checked I know but am too darn lazy to do so. Anyhow, I managed to get there in one piece though I cursed profusely at a many drivers. Some people should be shot in the ass.

And after all the shit I had to go through, the week finally came to an end when I saw my friends. It’s so nice to sit back, be under the stars and sipping bloody expensive drinks (RM1.50 for teh-o-ais limau is friggin’ pricey okay) together with like-minded friends. And it is as if that I see myself enjoying this more so than previous times. Maybe it’s because me and my friends are no longer the impressionable college kids or the fact that we’re actually now responsible adults in this big bad world. We’re (hopefully) wiser, more learned and nuttier than ever. With our very own, hard-earned money.

There we were listening to rock tunes in the hopes of conver... I mean, introducing a friend who wants to know more. I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it again, rock isn’t something that can be appreciated over 1 hour’s worth of songs. You can’t expect to differentiate stoner rock from grunge just like that. It takes lots and lots of listens as well as experience. But it was great seeing her head bopping head to the tunes I honestly thought she wouldn’t be able to handle. She proved me wrong. I was pleasantly surprised to see her ever smiling face and the sincerity in actually wanting to know more from someone who’s quite in the know but who is constantly learning. I was honoured and humbled.

The three of us chatted and chatted till when it was time to depart (she had a business engagement to attend to in the morning while I had to be back by 3 a.m., you’ll know why), I honestly wanted the night to go on just a bit more. It really was a case of having a really great time that seemed to end just as it began. Thankfully, I’ll have more of that when I get back from my stint in Singapore for training. Yay!

I got back and waited for 3.30 a.m. to come. Rukun Tetangga (Neighbourhood Watch) is something I have always wanted to avoid doing. It’s not like I don’t have the spirit of communal responsibility but rather, I’d rather spend my nights catching up on my reading and music and not going round and round 2 blocks looking out for surreptitious thieves hiding in bushes. But when I finally did do it, I felt different. There I was, in some ways, protecting not only my family but also others from the possibility of a break-in or worse. Plus the night air was simply invigorating compared to the toxic fumes I smell day in day out. By the end of my shift I was exhausted but I felt good knowing that I did something beneficial for many.

So there you have it. 22 hours of yawns and laughter, having a blast with great friends and the feeling that I made my family and neighbours’ lives a bit safer. It’s definitely something to be proud of.

I know I am.

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: To Fill and Ray: The minute I get back, the minute I set foot on Malaysian soil, that night itself we’ll have another rock update session (that is, if I don’t pass out when I see my bed). Until then, take care y’all!

Rockstar: Supernova = SuperBLEH

Oh my. Oh my dear, dear Rock Gods. The ignominy of having self professed 'Rockers' butchering, maiming and ultimately shaming, the purity that is Rock. Never have I heard such horrid vocals. The first Rockstar was rock solid (pun so intended). It had the likes of Jordis, Ty, Deanna (the most rocking babe of them all) and of course, Marty Casey and JD Fortune who took the show to whole new heights.

Performance after performance, I cringed and sighed and wished that someone, anybody, would save me from my aural hell. Thankfully, came this South African hobbit chick, Dilana, who saved me from the assault of mediocrity. Her rendition of that Nirvana song left me smiling and wiping a tear because it was so darn good. Then came the other hobbit chick, me forgets the name, but she was as equally good as the South African, though with much better *ahem* merchandise. ALL the men were abysmal save for one who sounded like a slightly less nasally Gavin DeGraw. And even then that wasn't 'real' rock.

And what about Supernova themselves? I don't care about the guitarist even though he was in the monstrous machine that was Guns & Roses while Tommy Lee looks like an old man trying to look young. Jason Newsted who in my opinion, is the most criminally underrated bassist in metal and rock today, is erratic in his comments and is strangely rather restrained here. Dave Navarro is of course, the prettiest man to ever exist. Brooke Burke is as interesting as mint molasses still provides the eye candy.

I for one, really and sincerely hope that this boring and disappointing line-up will surprise me. Because if they don't, I'll be forced to watch GASP! Rock Unite!

Chris is signing off. For now...

PS: I really like that Storm Large (yes, it's her real name). She's pretty and has pipes to go with it though it was one dimensional. Ah ha.

Pressure, what pressure?

Tonight’s the night. It’s do or die. It’s 4 friggin’ a.m. Eyes are watery and tired from staring at the computer screen. Another 3 minutes and I’ve set a new personal record of 10 hours straight staring at the dang monitor. Just one more line. Just one more adjustment.... here…

Just… one… more…

Phew, how I so not miss that. The long hours, the coffee consumed could have wiped out the entire stock of Starbucks, the stale perspiration and depravation of anything that is sane. That’s how college life treats you. You’re studying for something that you may not even remember after you have submitted the hard-copy at precisely 6:59 p.m., just before the 7 p.m. submission time.

I for one haven’t been pressured till I wanted to explode. There were times when I was about to reach that level but thankfully it never did come true. I don’t know whether it was because of my nature to start things early or was it just plain me, but I managed to do things without putting off till the last minute. Well, almost.

Funnily enough when the last minute does arrive, my world does a 180 and I’ll become nutty. Not like deranged nutty and I want to kill rabbits but more of a guy who has lost hope in all things that are pure and good.

So, do I work well under pressure? I can’t really say for sure but it’s a given that my work ethics is that of a workhorse. I’ll slog and slog till the very last minute until I know for a fact that I’ve managed to produce a volume of work that satisfies me.

But does that make me hardworking? Or better yet, a workaholic? Maybe it’s in my blood, my parents are the kind that once they’ve set their minds then that’s that. No amount of threats to their hair will make them budge. And I’ve inherited some of it. Some being that I know when to go all the way and when just to stop otherwise I’d be frothing at the mouth.

It’s been 3 weeks into my first real job and I have to say, it’s been quite the experience. Thankfully this job comes with great people, something I’m sort of good at (creative writing though is it any good, I’ll leave it to my boss to decide) and my office is like 10 minutes away from home.

Ahh, who could ask for more?

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: I hope Germany wins! Bummeln Sie weg von Ihnen Italiener!

Service with a smile? Pfft. It’s a myth I tell you.

As I was walking into my favourite coffeehouse, I was greeted by the pretty employee with her hair tied up neatly and on her head was a cap slightly bigger than her body. For a moment I thought she was the most beautiful creature ever. I was immediately taken aback, her smile and that voice of hers when she said sublimely, “Hello Sir! May I take your order?” left me enthralled. For the first time in my life someone actually called me “Sir” even though I was obviously a pugnacious and unscrupulous looking boy of 17. I’m now 22 and I still look pugnacious and unscrupulous as ever. Heck I still find it odd when someone calls me “Sir”.

Walk into anywhere these days and you’ll be greeted with pleasant salutations, sometimes it’ll come from all four corners of the world that it can be quite giddying if you’ve been accustomed to solemn stares and unhappy mutterings of “Hello”. What has been the norm in western countries is now becoming something of great significance here.

Of course, I’ve had my fair share of ignominy from supposed customer service. For some strange reason I’ve been given the cold shoulder many a time just because I was dressed like a tauke (minus the singlet and the unbelievably tight shorts). I didn’t display my armpit hair to them. I wasn’t rude to them in any way. Since they equate three-quarter pants and a plain tee as a country bumpkin, they took to treat me with 3rd rate service. Without the smile naturally. It’s not that I want to be treated like a king but I sure as heck don’t want to be treated like a court jester either.

I know there are customers from Hell. I wholeheartedly agree that these people should be given a lesson in humility and learn to eat humble pie as part of their daily diet. Of course the moment when a tourist comes in through the door, every one drops what they’re holding and blitzes to help him. All one can make out from the hubbub is the happy faces and the loud boisterous belly laughs reverberating as our people treat the tourist like he was the saviour of mankind. All of this fawning for them foreigners is commonplace and so is the snubbing the minute they see a fellow countryman.

What irks me so much is that people tend to associate customer service with saying “Thank You”, “Please come again!” etc. This is utter bollocks. I remember once I was kept waiting for my order that in the end I didn’t have the strength (or the pissed-offness) left to complain. Not because I wasn’t thoroughly satisfied with the service itself, but it was more of the attitude and the way in which I was treated. But when I was down south, I was profusely apologised to even though I had only waited for about a minute or so.

It’s so easy to compare each other but it’s so hard to acknowledge the imperfections.

I for one don’t see a renaissance for Malaysian customer service. Not in the near future that is or during my lifetime. It ultimately boils down to education. Not from the teachers in school but from the parents. If the parents do not teach their children to say “Thank You” and “Please” the minute that they are able to speak then no amount of common sense in that child will make them say it when they’re older.

Being polite doesn’t mean shit if you’re not polite in the first place.

Chris is signing off. For now la, haiya…

PS: I don’t expect to be treated like royalty but it’ll be nice once in a while. After all, the customer is always right.

Life is like a box of chilies. It gets hotter and hotter.

All right, as most of you already know, I’ve put my bumming days behind me and am in the world where men and women make important decisions everyday. Most do it for the love of the money. Others do it for the love of the game.

I do it because I don’t know what the hell I want to do.

Well, not exactly don’t know as opposed to not sure. Right now I wish I was back home; playing Baldur’s Gate 2 and listening to Marc Antoine (oh my he rules). But I can’t. I can’t because I’ve signed on a piece of paper saying I’m an Imaginative Service Administrator* (formerly Imaginative Author*) for an occasion administration^ (^ = you can never be too careful, especially in the working world) company. I’m being paid to do something I like yet not fully understanding the ropes and what it’s all about. This is all due to the fact that this is my:

1. first ‘real’ job (as some of you know, I was trained for a bit to sell land(which is another blog entry altogether))
2. first week on the job

So forgive me if I do anything wrong. I’m not going to blame neither my age nor my puny intelligence for the mistakes I’ve committed and future ones. The blame belongs to my inexperience. After all, no one goes in their first job knowing everything.

Well the big question is of course, what’s an IT graduate doing in an event management company as their Imaginative Service Administrator? The answer is really simple; because I answered their ad for the position, went for an interview, did something for them to see whether or not I’m worthy, and went to another interview and voila! I’m sitting at my desk at 9 a.m. and go home at around 8 p.m. And that’s on a good day.

Since I’m normally drained of energy (and life ugh) whenever I come back from work, the last thing I want to do is look at another computer screen trying my very best to come up with another creative work, I’ve decided to make Sunday my “Must Write a Blog Entry” day. As well as “Must Do 12 Pushups” day. And not forgetting “Must Catch Up on Shows I Didn’t Get to Watch” day.

Sigh, I miss being responsibly irresponsible.

So give me some time to truly digest all this. I’m still from college and boy do I miss it so. The good and bad. The hard and easy times. The girls.

After all, the money will do nicely as a treat mechanism aye?

Chris signing off. For now…

PS: Hey guys, if any of you are free, come to me office la. I miss you all.

* = obviously the actual title has been given another name to protect me just in case any slanderous comments crop up and I might get summoned to court. Which is not good to say the least.

I'm bringing home the cake

Ah, to be young and care-free. To be able to spend money and not worry.

Those days are long gone for me. As some of you have known, I have joined the rat race that is called Working Life. It's pretty good, which is surprising considering the job and its requirements. Suffice to say, I'm going to be tired out of my sweet bum but the experience of it will leave me feeling all good inside. I hope.

O right, I've been given the evil eye of Do Your Bloody Work Now or Die By a Thousand Spoons Death! by my dear boss. Take care y'all.

Chris is signing off. For now...

PS: I won't belanja any of you.

X-cited no more

I remember watching the cartoon version religiously. After all, which kid could pass up a cartoon based on the comic book of comicdom? And when news came that a movie adaptation was in the works, I was more excited than a pair of frisky goldfish that after 5 seconds of swimming forgot to be frisky. Why, it's X Men of course. And here's my crappy review of the latest and final instalment of the series.

Seeing actors like Hugh Jackman @ “I have really big muscles”, Ian McKellen @ “Frodo! Stop looking under my cloak!” and Patrick Stewart @ “Stop calling me Jean Luc!” bringing the characters to life on the big screen was simply magical. Both the aforementioned English thespians delivered the goods and more. Halle Barry @ “I wish I was never in Catwoman” proves once again why I don’t like her. She’s pretty and sexy, no problems there but her acting just doesn’t seem to justify her status or her Oscar award. Her thin African accent in the first movie was hopeless and it’s now completely gone (Arnold’s been in America for over 20 years and he stills pronounces California like he was a barmy Austrian). Kelsey Grammer @ “I’m not Frasier anymore!” looks like he’s having a blast as everyone’s favourite blue fur ball, Beast, and it shows in his scenes. Famke Janssen @ “I kill with my thighs” looks a tad haggard here but her mile long legs are still drop dead gorgeous. But the show really belongs to Jackman. I would liked to have seen more emotion either than ‘extremely pissed’ and ‘very sad’ but he managed to keep the whole thing albeit barely.

I don’t really blame the actors for the lack of soul. The script is riddled with hokey lines and an uninspiring plot. It’s like Coke and Pepsi fighting each other but before the real fight begins they’ve both run out of gas. Here’s hoping the Wolverine spin-off will be much, much better.

And there’s Tom Cruise’s money maker, Mission Impossible III. I went it with no expectations whatsoever and I’m glad to report that I came out thoroughly bored and pissed. Yay! The trademark JJ Abrams storytelling technique really suits Tom’s burning desire to be in every frame. As we all know, Mr Abrams enjoys having a motley crew of highly individualistic and spirited merry men. But Mr Cruise must have vetoed and asked that the rest serve as fanboys and cheerleaders while he goes about trampling China’s rooftops. You’re not even bothered to remember their names. The actress playing the wife is pretty and enjoys helping people and wants to have hot sex with her hubby in the medicine closet. The big black guy provides the laughs by being the big black guy. The Irish boy looks like he still couldn’t believe it that he’s in a very expensive film (think boy in candy store the size of a football field). There’s the Asian chick that is so skinny, Mr Cruise’s grin actually weighs more. There’s the dude from the Matrix who is basically Morpheus without the happy blue pill (or was it red?). Finally and certainly least, the overweight villain who’s completely wasted here and who doesn’t even get to die an exciting death.

I guess I’ll just have to watch V for Vendetta again for something that actually is good.

Chris is signing off. For now….
PS: This blog will self-destru… BAH!

5 things you think you know about me

All right, I’ve run out of topics to write. My brain has for some strange reason been put on ‘Temporarily Out of Stuff to Write’. Therefore, since I can’t really think of anything to comment, I might as well write about things that I know very intimately.

After all, this is my blog.

So I present to you, the 5 things you think you know about me and the truth behind it all.

1. People think I’m mean and violent.
It’s the face. It has to be it. The non-existent smile. The eyes that could rip a bear into two. The stone face I put on when I don’t want people disturb me (especially sales people). I like my fair share of violence but only in the movies and games. I don’t really bash kids you know.

2. People think I only listen to metal and rock.
Look, I can listen to metal and rock the whole day. I’ve been doing so for the past 8 years. But that doesn’t mean I’m totally ignorant to other genres. In fact, I can identify songs and artistes way better than some of my friends who claim to listen or in the know. Pffft.

3. People think I’m the supreme master of the English language.
I do admit that my command of the language is above average to say the least, but that doesn’t mean I know the meaning to every single word. I recognize a lot of words but their meaning eludes me most of the time so much so that even after repeated checks with the trusted dictionary, I’ll forget in seconds. To those who understood completely all the V’s that were spouted in V for Vendetta, I bow to thee.

4. People think I can eat like a bloody pig (or cow for a kosher version).
I may have the physicality of a bear but that doesn’t mean that my stomach is able to hold 3 persons’ worth of food. Take for example the genial old lady at my college’s canteen. It’s like she thinks I’m lying whenever I ask her to lessen the amount of rice she puts on my plate. It could have fed a whole village in Western Vietnam for crying out loud!

5. People tend to think I joke a lot.
When I’m sad, people will question me to no end as to why I am in such a predicament. Or when I get mad and angry people tend to think that I’m having man-period. Look here buddy, comedians and jokers can be the most serious people in the world simply because we’re also human. The funny bone can’t be tickled all the time you know.

And as a bonus, I present to you another thing you think you know about me.

6. I’m afraid of stairs, ladders and escalators.
I always like to walk as though I am the ultimate ruler of the world. What this actually means is that I try to look as cool and macho as possible. Me being the egoist, I tend to look forward and walk as though I had smelled a smelly sock. But the embarrassing truth is that I’m pretty clumsy when I encounter steps of any kind. It’s like gravity wants to play a cruel joke and conspires with vertigo to make me feel as though I might fall off the very first step of a staircase.

But at least I have nice legs to show off. Tee hee.

Chris is signing off. For now…

PS: If an escalator brings you up, then a descendalator should in fact, bring you down?